Parshas Ki Setze- Thank You!

In general, a convert to Judaism is allowed to marry a Jew by birth. There are multiple exceptions listed in this week’s Parsha. Notably, a male convert from the Amoni and Moavi nations is prohibited in marrying a Jew from birth. This extends for all future generations. The pesukim offer two reasons for this significant restriction. The Torah states that they did not greet the Jewish people with bread and water upon their exodus from Egypt. Additionally, they hired Balaam to attempt to curse and destroy the Jewish people (23:4-5).

It is difficult to understand the severity of the initial reason. Why is the fact that they did not greet the Jews with food grounds to forbid them from marrying Jews for all generations? Furthermore, this reason seems to pale in comparison to the second, that they were willing to commit genocide. Why then is it mentioned altogether?

The pesukim discuss the unique scenario of a “ben sorer u’moreh,” “a wayward and rebellious son.” A son who steals from his parents and purchases large quantities of meat and wine is to be taken to court. He is punished with lashes and warned to stop engaging in this behavior. If he persists, he is liable to be put to death. Rashi (21:18) explains this seemingly harsh protocol. The Torah recognizes that such behaviors will result is draining his parent’s assets. This son will then resort to highway robbery to satisfy his cravings, incurring more severe sins. It is better that he dies with an innocent status and not with one of guilt.  

The Gemara (R Yitzchak, Rosh Hashana 16b with Rashi) teaches us a fascinating idea. Hagar and Yishmael were thrown out of the house of Avraham. As they wandered through the desert, the water supply dried up and Yishmael began to die of thirst. At that moment there was a debate in heaven to preserve his life or allow him to perish. The heavenly angels argued that in the future there would be a scenario were the descendants of Yishmael would cause Hashem’s children (the Jewish people) to die of thirst. Certainly, Hashem should not preserve his life. Hashem retorted that since at the present moment Yishmael was virtuous, he deserved to be saved. Hashem then made a well appear, and Yishmael was spared. The Gemara derives from this that a person is only judged based on his current status, regardless of future events.

These two teachings seem to be contradictory. Is judgement based on future events as evidenced by the ben sorer u’moreh, or solely on current status, as we see by Yishmael?

The Maharsha (Rosh Hashana) answers with a simple distinction. Yishmael would not later do anything that would render himself wicked. It would be his descendants who would act cruelly with the Jewish people. Thus, he was spared. The ben sorer u’moreh would personally sin later. Thus he is punished based on his future.

It is challenging then to understand the argument of the malachim. Why should Yishmael die as a result of his future descendant’s wrongdoings?

The Ramban (23:5) explains the severity of the sins of the Amoni and Moavi people. These two nations were descendants of the illicit unions between Lot and his daughters. Lot and his family were direct benefactors of the kindness and care of Avraham Avinu. He exerted much efforts for their betterment. They were ultimately spared the punishment of Sedom in his merit. Despite this, Amon and Moav showed no sense of appreciation to the Jewish people, the descendants of Avraham.

In a similar vein, Rashi (Yeshaya 21:14) explains the detriment of the Yishameli descendants. Hashem provided Yishmael with water in his time of need. Despite this, his descendants caused the Jews to die from thirst. This was a gross lack of appreciation.

The pesukim (Bereishis 2:5) tell us that on the sixth day of creation the herbage was on the cusp of the soil. It was only when Adam was created and he prayed for rain that it broke through the soil and flourished. Rashi explains that Hashem did not want to bring the rain until someone could recognize its benefits. When Adam was created he understood that rain was crucial for the world. He prayed, causing the rain to descend, and the world flourished.

Perhaps the angel’s argument was based on this principle. If the descendants of Yishmael would have no appreciation for the good Hashem would do, Yishamel is not fit for that kindness now. Good things are given to those who can appreciate them.

When someone receives a favor it is natural to feel beholden to the benefactor. One could choose to be appreciative. Another option is to convince oneself that the favor he received was not for his benefit. The giver did this for his own agenda. Thus, he has no requirement to be thankful. This is patently dangerous. The pesukim are telling us that the Amonim and Moavim felt no gratitude towards the Jews. They convinced themselves the chessed of Avraham was for his benefit. Once they believed that, it was not a large leap to think that he had an agenda against them. Thus, the hiring of a mercenary to obliterate the Jews was the logical conclusion. The source of the issue was a lack of gratitude, as evidenced in them not greeting the Jews with bread and water.

The Gemara (R Yochanan in name of R Shimon ben Yochai, Berachos 7b) explains the source of the name “Yehuda.” Leah understood that there were four wives and twelve future shevatim. Upon birthing her fourth child she recognized that she received more than the natural percentage. She then thanked Hashem. “Yehuda” is to thank Hashem.

The Jewish people are called “Yehudim.” We are people who live with a sense of gratitude for the good we receive. It would be incompatible for a people with the nature of Amon and Moav to marry a Jew. People who have a deep-seated lacking of appreciation cannot connect properly with a people who are essentially appreciative.

We live in a world that is reeling from its inability to be appreciative. The initial reaction upon receiving a benefit is often the determination of how it benefits the provider. This is destructive in countless ways, and is blatantly visible. Entire movements are founded on the principle of ingratitude. This mindset can cause people to believe in completely far-fetched theories. B’ezras Hashem, we can follow the ways of the Torah and be appreciative for the good we receive. This allows us to receive more good, and live happier, more fulfilled lives.