Yom Kippur 5782: THE FORGIVENESS PROJECT
Yom Kippur 5782-The Forgiveness Project
Torah Psych101
Dr. Jonathan Lasson
As we go into Yom Kippur, I want to ask forgiveness to anyone who I may have hurt in words or in action.
I was just having a conversation about the idea of forgiving others and thought I would share my thoughts on this important topic at this very important time. The person I was speaking to has been estranged from some of his family for several years over a petty monetary dispute. As a result of this dispute, very hurtful words were exchanged, and this person has felt more isolated than ever before. I asked him if he would be willing to call up these relatives and forgive them for what they had said. He looked at me like I was crazy. I tried the tact of telling him that by not forgiving your relatives, you are letting them and their hurtful comments to live ‘rent-free’ inside of you head. We’ll see if that comment resonates with him.
I had a similar experience a few years ago. I was asked to give a talk on the Torah portion which I cannot remember but I do know it was during the summer. I challenged my audience to embark on a ‘forgiveness project’. The challenge entailed calling someone who hurt you in the past and tell them that “I FORGIVE YOU.” I asked my audience to leave me a message in about a month’s time and let me know if they were successful in doing this task of forgiving someone. Also, I asked them to let me know how it changed their lives. The results were amazing but not the way I wanted or expected. I did not receive a single note, call, email. Nothing!
Reflecting on that little experiment, I asked myself, why is it so hard to forgive someone, yet, when it comes to Yom Kippur we ask and expect Hashem to forgive us for G-d knows what? And G-d does know what!!! Is it really that easy for Hashem to forgive us?
On Yom Kippur evening, we read some of the most beautiful liturgy in our prayers. One of my favorites it the Piyut or poem known as כי הנה (1).
One of the stanzas reads
כי הנה כיריעה ביד הרוקם, ברצותו מישר וברצותו מעקם. כן אנחנו בידך אל קנא ונוקם, לברית הבט ואל תפן ליצר
Like the curtain in the hand of the embroiderer, he makes it even at will and makes it uneven at will-so are we in your hand, O Jealous and vengeful God, look to the covenant and ignore the accuser.
Imagine this. We have sinned against Hashem and we ask him to look at the covenant and ignore the accuser, yet we have such a difficult time forgiving others. It seems like we have really lived up to our reputation of an Am K’Shei Oref- a brazen people!
So how can we say this stanza without feeling so guilty for not being able to forgive others?
Some offer the idea that in the same stanza we mention the attribute of Hashem being a vengeful and jealous God. This seems out of place. Wouldn’t we be better off saying something like a merciful God?
What we are really saying is that Hashem has the attributes of jealousy and vengeance, but he knows how to restrain them from destroying us. We, on the other hand are not as good at containing those attributes. We take revenge. We become jealous of others. Therefore, we are asking that Hashem teach us how to do the same and contain our negativity as he does every single day and especially on this holiest of days.
Rav Yisrael Meir Druck (2) offers another beautiful idea. We say in the beginning of the stanza, “Like a curtain in the hand of the embroiderer.” If we were to watch someone hemming a garment or creating a piece of artwork, we don’t see the beauty right away. We see even strokes and uneven strokes and things don’t make too much sense or look to good at the time. But in the end, the clothing looks beautiful and the art seems to come together. This is what happens in life. We don’t understand the mess we live in but in due time we come to realize the beauty of Hashem’s ways.
Back to forgiveness. When we are able to forgive we are removing the mess that is in our minds. We are decluttering. Imagine finally cleaning out a garage or storage space in your house. Ask anyone who has done it, how great it feels to get rid of all that junk. Sometimes we ask someone else to do it for us because we think that there might be something important in there. But once it’s gone, you realize that there was probably nothing in that space that was that important because you can’t even remember what was in there in the first place. You have stored up so much junk over so many years. This is exactly how our brains work when it comes to forgiveness. When we don’t forgive others, our minds are cluttered with negativity. A negative mind is contagious, more contagious than any virus. When we forgive someone, we are decluttering our minds to the extent that we can now let other stuff in. We had run out of storage but now we have started anew. If anyone has ever lost information from their cell phone and had to restart, you will understand this idea.
May Hashem give us the strength to allow us to ignore our accuser and to learn the lost art of forgiveness so that with our newly decluttered brains, we can fill them with positivity and spread positivity to others. A Gut G’Benched Yaar to all!
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(1) Yom Kippur Tefillos in Maariv
(2) Rav Druck on the Machzor (2021)